Happy F------ Valentine’sDay

Happy f------ Valentine’s Day
February 14, 2020

A country to love but also to hate...again


I always default back to trusting goodness in the world...but 15 min after arrival, I am confronted by the conniving cheating stealing corruption in the world as I notice my computer has already been been snagged from my bag still on airport grounds. It must have happened when taking a short bus to terminal 1 to catch a domestic flight. I was still very green and tired. Welcome back to this lovely land of cheaters and scam artists and haggling and harassment and so much more. I am reminded why I never wanted to come back to this f------ land....it makes me laugh though. So typical...did I actually expect it to be different?


Maybe this lovely sadhu sitting by my side can help me find some goodness here.


As much as I hate this country right now, it’s really good to leave my own. These frequent escapes place me in the reality of the world and all it’s demons and saints. Something about experiencing life’s joys and hardships gives me peace.


I had wanted to come to India for years but after my last trip in 2006, I was done and never hoped to return to northern India yet here I am again. It is reminiscent of my first day in this country 19 years ago and again I wonder, what is there to love?
Maybe I will understand by next week but I only have one week to find love for this place. I won’t expect much....Although maybe self love or love for my divine creator will grow exponentially per my psychic.


My brother always said, “you step into shit and it turns to gold.” This may be another example of that as I actually hated this computer. It seemed defective and I wanted to replace it but saw no reason. I’m wondering, “Where is the gold?” But I must give it time.


I try to get cash and the rate is crappy and then I use the machine which declares fraud so I have to make some emergency calls to my bank and I hate this country even more.


I pay a taxi with a credit card and we walk to where they are parked. I get in and start the journey to “tree of life”
and en route they tell me there is an accident. They turn around on the 3 lane highway heading the wrong way against the traffic and I wonder how does anyone get a f------ license here. It is terrifying just watching. They turn off on a side road to escape heading against traffic on the highway.


The sky is hazy as dust floats in the air. I can feel it on my lips and tongue. Thankfully I brought some masks for CORONAVIRUS precautions-  a bit overkill but just to be safe. I put one on my face to not taste the dust on my tongue.


My desire to return to India or Nepal was completely extinguished after being intimately involved with Asian culture for 10 years. It no longer carried a bit of intrigue for me. I had learned and experienced what I needed to fulfill that karmic desire. Here I was again, and it was clear I was done. I don’t really know what I yearned for in the past- unless it was that I had this karma to finish up which brought me to this part of the world in the first place.


In the last year, I dreamt that I was strangely required to be present at a festival. I showed up and there was a crowd of Asian folks anticipating a marriage. A carriage was brought out with a woman draped in a sparkly red saree adorned with jewels to include a nose ring, bangles, and diamonds and wavy nearly kinky hair. I watched her betrothal to a man. I felt deep sadness for that woman knowing that this man would never love her and may not be faithful to her. I felt a deep ache for her future.


I awoke from the dream wondering what it was about. I sat with my curiosity, imagining it could have been a  past life and I was that girl and had karma to complete. Maybe I always wanted to go to India to finish up what I was unable to end in a different lifetime. It made sense.


Here I find myself back in this country and I loathe it as I did in 2001, but back then, after 2 months I grew to love it. I wasn’t sure that would happen this time with just 1 week. Already the stakes were higher with much greater losses.